Pondering Christmas

BLESSED BEYOND WORDS. . .

As I was listening to the over the top wonderful Christmas music Christmas Eve, listening to Pastor Jon’s poignant, spirit-filled strong witness for Christ and Christ alone; as I sat there with my daughter and granddaughter who wanted to come with me, surrounded by my other family I hold so dear at the Vine, I was overcome again and again by the unbelievable never-ending miracles of God. 

I mean just glancing around and pondering the Lord’s choice that I get to be born an American and my country is still free to do or be or say or thing anything and everything and we are not thrown in prison or tortured or even killed after we are forced  to watch our children be destroyed first.

Or when I see a sister-in-Christ like Libby Dixon whom we all know is the most loving, joyful, rejoicing, righteous Christian we will meet, overcome her handicap of deafness by being a super lip reader, and watching her not only sing a hymn but sign it at the same time and then then to notice that she is also playing the trumpet well I don’t even thing the word miracle can do it justice.

Then when we went home to celebrate our Christmas that evening and having our delicious array of favorite appetizers and seeing all our little and few special gifts under our tree of lights only, still I am drowning in the Lord’s shower of blessing upon me and mine.  

We all agreed that getting all the Christmas stuff out for two weeks was a bit much and for us it isn’t a tree and ornaments anyway and as long as we have Karissa home and Kenzie calling in on the phone, and especially when Karissa wanted to be sure we had a birthday cake for Jesus so she made and decorated it so cutely and with such love that surely this is all we need to know it is Christmas.  

When life throws a curve

What to do what to do???  Aye, that's the question.  So far I haven't found an answer.  My daughter and I thought we were already for our "empty nest" year ahead as of September 1st.  My daughter has a whole new life ahead of her to do whatever she may decide.

I am faced with "going along" for the ride as my life seemed to have done when I moved here thinking I would find a fulltime job and get my own place and my own life, but did NOT find a full income and never can afford to support myself so I am blessed to have my daughter's loving welcome last 8 years now.

I also totalled my car the second month after I moved in so I even had to use my daughter's car.  We became quite good at sharing a car four ways - two ways being teens and high school activities and after school jobs and etc.

I always get immediately and thoroughly involved in my church and the womens' ministry therein.  In fact this makes it hard for me to even want to find fulltime work.  My writing and card making also means I would be lying if I said that I am sorry I did NOT find fulltime work.  Since I do those two loves in my free time and spend two days in church related commitments and am also free to be available for women when they want discipleship or someone to listen or whatever.

So the curve that just happened and threw us to our knees not so much asking "why" - but just how in the world or what in the world will we do next.  The curve being that our landlord has put our rental home on the market and because of my daughter's work schedule, she/we will need to be moved no later that August 1st.  UGH - that is going to be here sooooooo fast.

I have a perfect solution and only wish the Dear Lord would ask me what I think or what I want.  I want some knight in shining armor with money-to-burn to want to take up the "widows" need and buy the house for us and let us keep it until we die.  He will keep an ongoing fund for all household needs like taxes, roof, insurance, any type major mishaps especially with regard to a septic tank, etc. etc. He would let it be free and clear and all we would pay are our own expenses, utilities, and stuff like that.  Once we were gone then it would revert back to his family and his heirs.

I could probably think of many other wonderful pipe dream answers if I tried but this is the one that has come to light today.

Of course, the message I do hear from the Lord loud and clear is as it has always been and will be always from now on.  "Rest"  "Wait"  and see what great things the Lord will do and has in store and give thanks for His everlasting mercy and never ending care and protection and loving presence in and around it all.

"All God's Creatures great and small..."

Went to the Georgia Acquarium this week and heard all the oohs and aahs of evolution causing all the beautiful colors or making the fish blend into their environment to save them from predators.  My heart sang instead to see the most creative artist of all time - GOD -  having designed every spot, stripe or unique design and size of every fish, starfish, turtle, sea horse, etc.  that we saw.

There were probably a thousand different types of fish, not to mention, types of penguins, sea otters and sea lions and Beluga whales and dolphins all playing and performing and my heart was just pounding away.  I was happy to see that God cares so much about His creation that He gave them a playful attitude, loving ways, lots of penguins seemed in pairs and the sea otters were playfully cuddling the whole time we stood there to watch.  It made me think of love.

On our way home we saw a magnificent sunset.  "God's in His heaven, all is right with the world."  So to speak, since we really are faced with quite a few very disturbing dramas on earth.  Still, no matter what is going on, especially in our own United States, to believe in an Almighty God, Who created it all, loves it all, sustains it all, has a plan and purpose in it all, gives me perfect peace.  Proverbs 3:5 and 6 says we are to trust Him in and for everything and not to "lean on our own understanding."  That's the most important part of those verses - we are NOT going to understand any of it.  But if, and we are supposed to trust in HIM, then it is all going to work out as He has planned and purposed from the beginning of time and therefore it is all going to be all right.

No, we can't see it or ever begin to understand and in most cases we don't want it either, but TRUTH is truth and that is that.  If we trust HIM in it then HE makes our paths straight.  HE leads us all the way.

So just as I shared yesterday about all the things I had wished to be and still at 73 not really sure just who or what I am or should be still - I do rest and do have peace in the fact that I may not know or understand - but GOD does and GOD is in control of it all, and so I don't have to worry or begroan any of it.  I do have to work on that constantly but I purpose to work against it because I know the Lord wants my unfailing faith and loving devotion every minute no matter what is going on around me.  So I pray constantly for this for me and for all of us doing our best to be His witnesses to all we meet and influence in our lives.

Still Pondering Old Age or Our Twilight Years or. . .

        More often than not lately, I have been considering all the paths I wished, wanted or desired madly for my life to take or for what I hoped I would be and all the times it has not turned out that way.
        I can go back as far as being ten years old.  My sister took me to see my first ballet.  It was the Chicago Ballet Company performing "Swan Lake."  That was it for me.  I attended ballets whenever I could, joined the New York City Ballet membership so I could go to the Dress Rehearsal on a Thursday before their opening weekend.  For years I was there when the doors opened until I moved to Dallas Texas and they didn't have their own ballet company.
       I also started taking classical ballet lessons at 12 and stayed with it until my senior year in High School.  I even made it to toe dancing, but if you saw me and my figure which is the same now, though a few (many) more pounds, but same height and build, you would understand I was reaching for a pretty distant moon at that time.  Still I dreamed of my days in the New York City Corps de Ballet.         I still covet a new pair of toe shoes or the lambs wool to cover my toes - truly I do.
       Then there was my deep deep desire to enter a cloistered convent like Saint Therese, "the Little Flower," and spend all my days and nights loving Jesus my most precious Savior.  Praying and meditating in His Word, singing praises to Him every three hours daily would have been "heaven" to me.  I was to enter September after my senior year of High School.  I wanted it so much.  I didn't hesitate, even when they said in my interview that once I walked through that heavy steel gate, I would never leave again, even to attend my family funerals.  But my mother begged me to go to one year of college before I made such a life changing decision.  I honored her wishes and thus lost my place at the convent, since they only have openings when older sisters die.  When I had applied, they had an opening, but when I did not come, they gave it to another young girl who also had that desire.        I was at a loss but kept on seeking and searching.  I became a volunteer for Catholics for Latin America and hoped to be sent there to serve, but that didn't work out either.
      I felt the Lord was telling me I would marry and having gone to an all girl high school and college, that was my first time of deciding to date.  I was really bad at it.  So when I fell madly in love with a handsome man from Texas, I moved to be near him and when he asked me to marry him, I said yes.  I look back and have to admit when he broke the engagement that I definitely knew he did not want to marry me at all.  But the heart wants what the heart wants and so when he felt so bad about breaking my heart and asked me what he could do to make up for it.  I simply said marry me and he did.
     We were divorced in less than 4 years and I was a single mom with a darling daughter and have been in serious debt ever since.  I never wanted nor was ambitions enough to want a career so I worked and didn't work at whatever jobs I could get or times I could take sabbaticals for the next 40 years of my life.  Here I am in my 70's still having to work at whatever I can do or be hired to do at this age just to try to keep the "wolf from the door."   I can always hear him though, growling away.        Debt can also make me feel like I am literally drowning.  In truth, I really am most of the time with bills that wait be paid or overdrafts at the bank because I sent a check thinking the money would stay there long enough for the check to hit.  I would say it is embarrasing to ask a grocery clerk to put back all the groceries because your debit card won't work, but when it happens so often, it becomes "hohum what's new?"
     I thought about remarriage for a few years but it never happened.  I had one proposal that came in the first year of my divorce, which was way too soon to even consider that big a step.  No one has ever looked since.  I am grateful I never feel alone and in truth because of family and friends I really never am alone unless I seek and desire the solitude time.
     I wanted to see the world, and had to give that up because the longing literally caused me pain day dreaming about it all the time.  My two main life's goals, desires, dreams or passions that I feel I have never been able to satisfy or truly experience, as I would like, are earning an income with my writing and growing more in love with Jesus and having more time to spend in quiet contemplation with Him.
    I think or blame my lack of funds as being the reason I can't make either one happen.  I can't afford to go on retreats or to buy a car that would get me to some that I might be able to afford.  I can't seem to find markets for the writing I am trying to do so I write but no income is coming.
    I am going to continue praying and pondering hoping both will help to make this time of constantly questioning what my life is meant to be with so little time left to do it lead to the answer.  I will let you know if I get one.

My Latest Thoughts on Life

Lately in this life of getting old or older, it has dawned on me that I need to start - no - stop thinking about wanting or hoping for things or experiences that will never be.  Many are because physically I couldn't and really wouldn't want to do them anymore anyway.  Such as if I ever get to take my family to the Grand Canyon - I don't really want to do the trail ride all the way down and back again.  Way too strenuous for these old bones to even contemplate what's more actually do.  I would love to see the pyramids or the great Egyptian sphinx but if the walk is what it looks like in pictures than I don't really want to make the trek to get that close - now a cruise down the Nile would be nice.

Because of this phase of my life being one with no money to do any of those things or much else for that matter.  I have been thinking a lot lately about "giving up the ideas" of them all as they race through my mind from time to time.  This is not easy - at least for me - I have been a "pie in the sky" dreamer since early childhood and have never really changed that much.  Still the days seem to go so much faster now and years are literally blowing by as quickly as a tornado and so I even think about time to read all the books I want to read.  Maybe I need to choose them more specifically so that I will at least have read the ones I wanted to read the most.  I think the same when it comes to the way I spend time every day and the many decisions that come up - is that as important or as necessary to do or experience or "finish" as it used to be.

Young or old - we have this in common - life is very challenging.  It helps to have an almighty God in control and a Holy Spirit to comfort, teach and lead every step along the way.  It helps to love my Savior, Jesus Christ, more than anything else and to strive to make Him the center of it all.  This really can make giving up or putting aside or putting off or putting away for good many things.  And in the midst of it all - it is nice to know - that life is still good and definitely worth living.

IF JESUS CAME TODAY

I was thinking.  What if  Jesus had chosen to come today for His FIRST time.  What would we have done?.  And apart from it being a crucifixion - I am sad to say that I believe we would have done the very same thing.  We would have destroyed Him anyway we could.

Atheists would say there is no God therefore there can be no Son of God.

Self Righteous religions or individuals who follow there own concepts of the God they like to obey     and follow - the one who agrees with what they say is "right" or "wrong" would argue with Him when He called sin sin and, in truth, would take great offense at Him when He dared to say He would forgive someone of their sins when they confess and repent.   Heaven knows the rage He would cause when He continued to say He would judge and condemn those who don't.

Prideful or rich people, who like to be in control and think they are, would try to woo Him at first but once He condemned them in their thinking and their practices, they would quickly join the rabble that were plotting to get rid of Him.

Others would agree with philosophers and writers, who over the years, have not wanted to dismiss Him entirely but allow Him a little bit of recognition as a great teacher, speaker or motivator.  But they too in their hearts would still not consider Him anymore important than any other prophet of history or philosopher of old.

And the rest of us being the "most of humanity" would fall into two categories:  true believers and followers and the rest, who just could not care one way or the other, would pay no attention to Him at all.

I hope, pray and want to believe that we, who call ourselves TRUE believers, would be willing to follow Him no matter the cost and would cry out His Name and our praises at all times.  I do sometime picture myself being able to actually physically be with Him to sit at His feet as Mary did and to really listen and hear the sound of His voice and to look into His eyes as He gazes back into mine.  If time travel ever happens that is the trip I would like to take.

I can't imagine what type of death He would have had to devise to do as He did when He did come. Then He chose the most excruciating, cruelest form of death possible - dying on a cross.  I doubt the gas chamber or hanging would be enough - that is not the point.  The point is - I do believe - as sad as it is to believe, consider or dare to say - we would do the very same thing today as they chose to do over 2000 years ago.  We too would ignore His words and kill Him.

Don't you Just Love People

As much as I "hate" to go to work on Sunday instead of church is maybe as much as I "love" to be at Target handing out samples to the shoppers.  This is because I am a people watcher.  I really do "love" people, each and everyone and proclaim an amazing God of Creation that I know designed them all.  "For Thou didst form my inward parts; Thou didst weave me in my mother's womb. I will give thanks to Thee, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made...Thine eyes have seen my unformed substance; and in Thy book they were all written. The days that were ordained for me, when as yet there was not one of them." (Psalm 139:13-14;16).

A couple passed by this past weekend and the woman had one of those men's haircuts that many women are sporting these days and the man's hair was long enough to cover the back of his neck. My mind's thought immediately was "what is wrong with that picture?"  I asked the Lord to forgive my prejudice, bigotry, "old fashioness", judgmental attitude-whatever.  As always this getting old but thinking like I'm still in my twenties can trip me up and usually does a lot.  It is just things like women loving long hair to flip and attract men and men having short hair looking strong and confident was the norm for most of my life.  I know, I know it is "behind the times."

That is my point - so much is lost even though so much more has been gained in so many areas.  I do understand and yet I don't.  It is just one more part of the conundrum of old age.

The point of this sharing post is to say that I no sooner thought my first thought about the couple then to move quickly to my next which is simply this.  I do "love" people and it dawned on me watching that couple pass by how much more God loves people and knows exactly who He created and why He wanted them to be exactly who they are.  He is the one who knows their frame, their personalities and what choices and preferences will be theirs all their lives.  He loves them to the point of offering His own most beloved Son to die for them so that they could come and dwell with Him forever in eternity.

So it also dawned on me that because God is the one who chooses and decides how to make each of us unique and individually different, we must "love" everyone in that same way.  Not to be able to help them have eternal life, but to let them be just who they are no matter how it may differ with what we like or suppose is right or wrong.  I am talking about personality, flesh choices not moral or spiritual ones.  We have a Bible that tells us what to think about those things and I do believe if you hold yourself accountable to that precious book then we should all agree on most issues in those pages, i.e. "Thou shalt murder, steal, covet...etc."

But my deciding what I think about a couple based on their haircuts or kids because they listen to the "noise" they call music versus the "music" I listen to...well it is obvious there will be a wide chasm of differences.  I was listening to a documentary on Frank Sinatra and my 18 year old grand angel asked who that was and then very simply stated, "he can't even sing."  True, true she actually said it.  I think that sums it up pretty well.

I do want to leave with this - I still do "love" that couple and all the other fun, interesting and amusing people who pass by all day long on weekends at Target.  So many life stories I am dying to know being the "curiosity kills the cat" type that I am.

CONSIDERING

I've noticed in all my latest comments on Facebook or in my prayers at night that I seem to be obsessed with the fact that my life is going by way too fast.  So the question, of course, must be what can I do about it?

Honestly I haven't a clue!  I mean is there anything anyone can do about the clock of the world or our lives from ticking down seconds, minutes, hours and days? No!  Well at least I have never seen such an answer or solution so far.

Then, the next question I must ask is what can I do in spite of this particular problem.  Again, honestly I haven't a clue.  But because I seem to be obsessed with thinking about it anyway then I feel I must at least try to find some solutions.

First, I am already doing the one that does work in and through all situations that come our way and we are helpless to  stop them or avoid them or ignore them.  I always give Elisabeth Elliot credit for this.  Once asked after her husband, Jim Elliot's tragic death, what would she do.  Her answer was simply, "the next thing."  I have learned a whole life lesson from that answer.  She meant, at that time, she would do dishes if they were dirty or play with her daughter, Valerie, when she cried for attention.  But in truth, it meant much more than that, since Elisabeth and Rachel Saint spent years afterward continuing those men's calling to that tribe and it became all Christian by their selfless choice and God's divine providence.  Some of those martyr's grandchildren continue to live in Ecuador and minister still to those people today.

My "next thing" is never quite that important, but still I find great peace and consolation when I put dishes in and dishes out of a dishwasher over and over again that if this is the ONLY "next thing" my life allows me to do, then I pray that I do it in God's Will and for His honor and glory.  I pray that if it is done in that way and for that reason, then even that mundane task will at least have made my day worth something and not just a "waste" of my precious, fleeting time.

NEW YEAR 2016 - UGH

If you ask me - I feel as if I had just gone to bed after the ball dropped on Time Square a year ago.  I am totally miffed and terribly upset that a whole year is already gone again...again!  UGH double UGH.

But let me at least consider all that has happened and of course be GRATEFUL for and in it all.      My family remains happy, loving, laughing and close at hand.  My older, sweet angel granddaughter is planning on moving to California and the date is happening/coming sooner and faster than we want but my daughter raised her two girls to be independent and free to be themselves and so they are.  Oh boy are they and fascinating and wonderful and accomplished and responsible and...

I had needed/desired a new computer and Microsoft Word since I do not like any of the free "word" programs out there and now Microsoft's free one only lasts for 3 months and then they will start to charge.  But as always the Dear Lord loves me so and lets my daughter and granddaughters love me so that they gave me both - my daughter shared her bonus with me and got me a great new HP computer that also had a free printer in the package and then for Christmas she and dear grand angel, Karissa, gave me Microsoft Office so I am all set to start and discipline my writing in everything I need to be writing.

I begin with the blog and must be more faithful in sharing my bemoanings and groanings about aging and just what a bummer it can be.  But also a wonderful blessing and the best truth of it all - I'm still here and still healthy and still going and moving and doing and loving and enjoying and appreciating and hoping hoping hoping each and every day for miracles of any and all kinds.

Most of all I am still able to serve and am privileged to do so by leading a Bible Study and going through the Gospels with my ladies verse by verse.  Still meet with my prayer ladies and help to fold our church bulletins for Sunday and get to share "what the Lord has done" in our lives.  Any chance to testify to the Lord Jesus Christ and His presence, His love, His intervention, His miracles every day of our lives is a good and fun and wonderful way to spend each day.

Still hate two things about being this old - one my mind just still doesn't quite get it or accept it or think it - I mean I still feel as if I am as young as ever I was - but I hate it when truth hits and I realize but I'm NOT.  I also hate that as I began this post - time is whizzing by faster and faster and faster...

I need it to stop - I need so many more hours each day - midnight comes and I have so much more to do that I just want to scream - no - hands on the clock - turn back turn back turn back.

Here's to a great New Year with more hours in every day and all my plans to be fulfilled by me if I'm the one who needs to make it happen and by God's miracles that are definitely needed to make any of it happen too.