What's Defeating Whom?

I call this blog, "Defeating Old Age" thinking that I will write about the wonderful and many ways I am doing just that.  And for a moment in time, I thought I was doing just that.  Then my 75th year arrived with its aches, pains,  total exhaustion, bursitis or so they diagnosed and an overall feeling of "what's the use" of any of it?

I'd like to write that it all worked out and by the end of the year it was back to my feeling great, strong and spry.  Not at all-just the opposite.  My new 76th year has begun even worse than the last.  Obviously it can't be "bursitis" is I still have the same aches over a year later in spite of shots or meds and the fact that now my right leg is just as bad as the left.  In addition, I now have to deal with a c-pak with oxygen, swollen left ankle and my blood pressure rising for no apparent reason.  I've taken the same med to keep it regular for over 30 years, so it is a mystery as to why it now is high and getting higher all the time.

Apart from not knowing any good reasons for any of it yet,  I seem to be beginning a year as  defeating as the last. UGH, double UGH!

Now, I must agree with my Dear Lord and His precious Word that we are to rejoice and be grateful in all things and even though I determine to do so. He knows as I do too, I'm not.  I pray the words wanting to believe I am obediently meaning them, but He can see my heart, my mind and real feelings about it all.  I am miserable and hate every minute of every painful step I take.

So I spend the rest of the day begging His forgiveness knowing that I have it even before I ask.  And just as every morning of last year, so it goes this year, as long as He chooses to wake me each day, then I will get up, dress and do whatever is on my schedule to do and accomplish.

I determine - at least - if I cannot be truly grateful or rejoicing that I must not complain, whine or fret about any of it to anyone.  I've only shared it here to state that for this moment in time I am NOT "defeating old age."  But, again, as long as the Dear Lord wants to give me another day in time then I am determined and pray believing if not for His merciful healing of it all inside and out, then for His strength sufficient and grace abundant to make me triumphant in it all.

One More Tick of the Clock

I was considering that my grandchildren really have no idea of what "clicking" clocks are, except perhaps as historic memorabilia.  They have no idea of "ringing in the New Year" with Guy Lombardo nor do they have any attraction or recognition of that type of music.  I was listening to Frank Sinatra one day and my granddaughter's remark was "Grandma, what are you listening to, he can't even sing!" 

As life keeps on going we see some changes that are better than before - I actually like digital clocks rather than annoying ticking keeping  me awake.  I like the idea of solar energy rather than the mess of cords that are all around my bed especially with the addition of all the C-pak paraphenalia. The list is long, but my real concern for this blog is about old age aches and pains.

My 75th year was such a physical disaster that I could not wait for it to end and I would throw it out with the trash and never look back.  I hoped and planned on Tuesday, August 14th to awake to a brand new feeling of energy and happiness to be alive and ready for anything.

Alas it is not so.  My 76th year has begun and offered me so far a new set of concerns.  Not only do I have to try to adjust to a C-Pak - they say you do - but I won't believe it until it actually happens.  Now it is very hard to sleep, it hurts, not breathing through my mouth is almost an all night stay awake forcing my lips to stay shut impossibility, the tubing is falling in my face - it goes on and on.  But I also have my left leg joint pain in my right leg too now and it seems to be much worse as the night goes on and it burns down into the feet.  It also hurts to walk or bend down to lift things.

To top that all off for some reason after 30 years of normal blood pressure readings on the same dose med, my blood pressure is very high and getting higher every day.  We are trying a new med to see if it helps.

So, of course, I have been bemoaning all this to the Lord trying to explain to Him that I do not do well if He asks physical trials of me. I've managed the financially strapped one pretty well for the last 50 years and remained totally trusting and strong in my faith.  When my dear daughter went through some very hard trials of her own, I also felt Him near encouraging me that she and I would both survive and be the better for it all.  It is just pain that seems to do me in.

This morning as I stood up from bed, pain beginning, I grumbled all the way to the bathroom.  Then as I leaned down to pick something up, the pain worsened, but I realized very clearly I was not supposed to be grumbling or complaining about it at all.  I was supposed to be thanking the Dear Lord and rejoicing in all that He is asking of me every minute of every day.  And so I determined then and now to do this.  With every ache or high blood pressure reading I am going to thank the Dear Lord and rejoice in all of it believing that His purpose is good and when or if He wants me to know or understand any of it, He will reveal it in time and if not then I will just accept, surrender and be glad.

I just love it when I know the Lord and I are in tune with one another.  Lo and behold I sit down to this morning's devotion and which psalm do I read but Psalm 136 :1

O give thanks unto the LORD; 
for he is good: for his mercy endureth for ever. (KJV)

Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good,
for his steadfast love endures forever. (ESV)

Both translations are wonderful and make my point perfectly.  So I am going to pray, hope and remain grateful every day of my "new" year of life,  and in spite of aches or ailments I will be faithfully rejoicing at all times.

TIMES SEEM TO WHIZZ BY FASTER AND FASTER

With regard to my birth year and measuring my life that way - 75 to be exact - it has been a rough go since August 14th.  I was not sure what was in store and then just feeling totally out of sync or as my friend "Adrian Monk" said just "not up to snuff - gotta be snuff."  Yessiree I wanted and still want to be definitely snuff.

But it started with a real sense of emptiness and did not get better but worse.  I called it the "Dark Night of the Soul" as St. John of the Cross once wrote about - only his led him into a mystic state of closeness to Christ - mine just seemed like an "old" age crisis.  It wasn't bad enough to call it a psychological breakdown and I wasn't foolish enough to run off to Las Vegas or go in debt and buy a much coveted Honda CRV.  I just went into myself or a nowheresville.

Then I got a winter cold that was horrific and lasted way too long.  Am ever grateful to my Doctor who asked on the phone if there was a fever and if not then it was not the flu don't bother with an office visit and a copay (I can never afford in my budget) but she called in my prescription and I was good to go.  Well it took a few weeks rather than days but the best part of being sick is getting well so needless to say I am fit as a fiddle and feeling really good these days.

Have some more typical old age things but not going to boredomville with any of that.  I come back to my blog just to say that to find my way back is still a slow ongoing process, but I am on board for whatever it unfolds and however long it takes.

I always have God, my loving Abba, in my corner and Jesus, my beloved Lord and Savior, who never forsakes or leaves me even for a second.  I still can handle the impossible by truth that says "with God all things are possible."

It is still hard to figure out what I need or should do or whether to do what I want to do each day so I am just being very patient and allowing myself to figure it out or to be all right when I don't.

THUS BEGINS A NEW YEAR

It is a wonderful thing - a new slate - a new day dawns - a new year begins and so far we haven't done anything to mess it up or waste a minute or throw away a whole day.  Okay - great - now what?

I definitely know the Dear Lord wants me to change even more in the "letting go" of wishes and wants and silly things that come to mind and make me yearn and waste time.

I definitely know that my dear Savior and Lord wants me to seek out His will for all that I do and to choose that over my own every time.

I am going to start off the year praying about everything - big decisions, little decisions, what to do each day for the kingdom, for the Lord, for others, for me or family or just fun, but still pray about it all.

I'm going to try to discipline to do less rather than more in any area and hope that helps me to maybe accomplish more rather than not accomplish anything at all.

My DAILY BREAD on Dec. 30th helped and blessed me when it said that even in our things we did NOT complete in the past year that "God is always at work in and through us."  And it reminded me to thank the Dear Lord for it all finished or not - and to trust that He used me anyway whether I saw it or thought it or not.

So I begin my New Year with hope and peace and total trust in my sovereign God, the Father, my beloved Savior and Lord, Jesus Christ and my dear comforter and helper, the Holy Spirit.