Under NOT Over

I hate it when I know I am struggling with my circumstances rather than at perfect peace in and in spite of them.  I never know when I am going to wake up to a "bad" day versus a "good" one.  I hate that I immediately go to self-pity or envy or wishing away a day - it is such a waste of precious time when I am in my twilight years.  I know the Lord has required me NOT to wish, want, will, wait or dare to question any of it anymore - so it is serious when I find myself in this place again.  It is to be out of sync with my most beloved Abba Father, my dear dear Lord and Savior, the lover of my soul, Jesus and without any of the Holy Spirit's power or comfort or help or healing.  Praying and staying on my knees in my mind all day long doesn't seem to change or make these stupid feelings go away either.  Yet, I have had times when I no sooner pray the prayer of mercy, forgiveness and relief and I literally feel all the doldrums just list up and away and they are gone.

I will trust that again though it is my second day of sensing things just are not the way they should be.  I know my dear family "worry" about my never remembering where I have put anything.  Once I put it down - it is GONE - and when I look for things - I NEVER find them - it is always my dear grandangel that finds them immediately.  I hate that I feel they may think it is time to put me away and yet I know they never would - but I also know that it is NOT that time and far far from it but I feel they don't agree.  It's me and my feelings that are the problem that I deal with - in truth my dear daughter and grandangels do nothing but love and respect and honor me at all times.   Well they get a little frustrated but then not as much as I already am.  I dare not say I "wish" - rather just pray and pray that this too will pass and tomorrow when I awake this feeling will be gone and a sense of HOPE and WONDER will be back and all will be well.