What's Defeating Whom?

I call this blog, "Defeating Old Age" thinking that I will write about the wonderful and many ways I am doing just that.  And for a moment in time, I thought I was doing just that.  Then my 75th year arrived with its aches, pains,  total exhaustion, bursitis or so they diagnosed and an overall feeling of "what's the use" of any of it?

I'd like to write that it all worked out and by the end of the year it was back to my feeling great, strong and spry.  Not at all-just the opposite.  My new 76th year has begun even worse than the last.  Obviously it can't be "bursitis" is I still have the same aches over a year later in spite of shots or meds and the fact that now my right leg is just as bad as the left.  In addition, I now have to deal with a c-pak with oxygen, swollen left ankle and my blood pressure rising for no apparent reason.  I've taken the same med to keep it regular for over 30 years, so it is a mystery as to why it now is high and getting higher all the time.

Apart from not knowing any good reasons for any of it yet,  I seem to be beginning a year as  defeating as the last. UGH, double UGH!

Now, I must agree with my Dear Lord and His precious Word that we are to rejoice and be grateful in all things and even though I determine to do so. He knows as I do too, I'm not.  I pray the words wanting to believe I am obediently meaning them, but He can see my heart, my mind and real feelings about it all.  I am miserable and hate every minute of every painful step I take.

So I spend the rest of the day begging His forgiveness knowing that I have it even before I ask.  And just as every morning of last year, so it goes this year, as long as He chooses to wake me each day, then I will get up, dress and do whatever is on my schedule to do and accomplish.

I determine - at least - if I cannot be truly grateful or rejoicing that I must not complain, whine or fret about any of it to anyone.  I've only shared it here to state that for this moment in time I am NOT "defeating old age."  But, again, as long as the Dear Lord wants to give me another day in time then I am determined and pray believing if not for His merciful healing of it all inside and out, then for His strength sufficient and grace abundant to make me triumphant in it all.

One More Tick of the Clock

I was considering that my grandchildren really have no idea of what "clicking" clocks are, except perhaps as historic memorabilia.  They have no idea of "ringing in the New Year" with Guy Lombardo nor do they have any attraction or recognition of that type of music.  I was listening to Frank Sinatra one day and my granddaughter's remark was "Grandma, what are you listening to, he can't even sing!" 

As life keeps on going we see some changes that are better than before - I actually like digital clocks rather than annoying ticking keeping  me awake.  I like the idea of solar energy rather than the mess of cords that are all around my bed especially with the addition of all the C-pak paraphenalia. The list is long, but my real concern for this blog is about old age aches and pains.

My 75th year was such a physical disaster that I could not wait for it to end and I would throw it out with the trash and never look back.  I hoped and planned on Tuesday, August 14th to awake to a brand new feeling of energy and happiness to be alive and ready for anything.

Alas it is not so.  My 76th year has begun and offered me so far a new set of concerns.  Not only do I have to try to adjust to a C-Pak - they say you do - but I won't believe it until it actually happens.  Now it is very hard to sleep, it hurts, not breathing through my mouth is almost an all night stay awake forcing my lips to stay shut impossibility, the tubing is falling in my face - it goes on and on.  But I also have my left leg joint pain in my right leg too now and it seems to be much worse as the night goes on and it burns down into the feet.  It also hurts to walk or bend down to lift things.

To top that all off for some reason after 30 years of normal blood pressure readings on the same dose med, my blood pressure is very high and getting higher every day.  We are trying a new med to see if it helps.

So, of course, I have been bemoaning all this to the Lord trying to explain to Him that I do not do well if He asks physical trials of me. I've managed the financially strapped one pretty well for the last 50 years and remained totally trusting and strong in my faith.  When my dear daughter went through some very hard trials of her own, I also felt Him near encouraging me that she and I would both survive and be the better for it all.  It is just pain that seems to do me in.

This morning as I stood up from bed, pain beginning, I grumbled all the way to the bathroom.  Then as I leaned down to pick something up, the pain worsened, but I realized very clearly I was not supposed to be grumbling or complaining about it at all.  I was supposed to be thanking the Dear Lord and rejoicing in all that He is asking of me every minute of every day.  And so I determined then and now to do this.  With every ache or high blood pressure reading I am going to thank the Dear Lord and rejoice in all of it believing that His purpose is good and when or if He wants me to know or understand any of it, He will reveal it in time and if not then I will just accept, surrender and be glad.

I just love it when I know the Lord and I are in tune with one another.  Lo and behold I sit down to this morning's devotion and which psalm do I read but Psalm 136 :1

O give thanks unto the LORD; 
for he is good: for his mercy endureth for ever. (KJV)

Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good,
for his steadfast love endures forever. (ESV)

Both translations are wonderful and make my point perfectly.  So I am going to pray, hope and remain grateful every day of my "new" year of life,  and in spite of aches or ailments I will be faithfully rejoicing at all times.

TIMES SEEM TO WHIZZ BY FASTER AND FASTER

With regard to my birth year and measuring my life that way - 75 to be exact - it has been a rough go since August 14th.  I was not sure what was in store and then just feeling totally out of sync or as my friend "Adrian Monk" said just "not up to snuff - gotta be snuff."  Yessiree I wanted and still want to be definitely snuff.

But it started with a real sense of emptiness and did not get better but worse.  I called it the "Dark Night of the Soul" as St. John of the Cross once wrote about - only his led him into a mystic state of closeness to Christ - mine just seemed like an "old" age crisis.  It wasn't bad enough to call it a psychological breakdown and I wasn't foolish enough to run off to Las Vegas or go in debt and buy a much coveted Honda CRV.  I just went into myself or a nowheresville.

Then I got a winter cold that was horrific and lasted way too long.  Am ever grateful to my Doctor who asked on the phone if there was a fever and if not then it was not the flu don't bother with an office visit and a copay (I can never afford in my budget) but she called in my prescription and I was good to go.  Well it took a few weeks rather than days but the best part of being sick is getting well so needless to say I am fit as a fiddle and feeling really good these days.

Have some more typical old age things but not going to boredomville with any of that.  I come back to my blog just to say that to find my way back is still a slow ongoing process, but I am on board for whatever it unfolds and however long it takes.

I always have God, my loving Abba, in my corner and Jesus, my beloved Lord and Savior, who never forsakes or leaves me even for a second.  I still can handle the impossible by truth that says "with God all things are possible."

It is still hard to figure out what I need or should do or whether to do what I want to do each day so I am just being very patient and allowing myself to figure it out or to be all right when I don't.

THUS BEGINS A NEW YEAR

It is a wonderful thing - a new slate - a new day dawns - a new year begins and so far we haven't done anything to mess it up or waste a minute or throw away a whole day.  Okay - great - now what?

I definitely know the Dear Lord wants me to change even more in the "letting go" of wishes and wants and silly things that come to mind and make me yearn and waste time.

I definitely know that my dear Savior and Lord wants me to seek out His will for all that I do and to choose that over my own every time.

I am going to start off the year praying about everything - big decisions, little decisions, what to do each day for the kingdom, for the Lord, for others, for me or family or just fun, but still pray about it all.

I'm going to try to discipline to do less rather than more in any area and hope that helps me to maybe accomplish more rather than not accomplish anything at all.

My DAILY BREAD on Dec. 30th helped and blessed me when it said that even in our things we did NOT complete in the past year that "God is always at work in and through us."  And it reminded me to thank the Dear Lord for it all finished or not - and to trust that He used me anyway whether I saw it or thought it or not.

So I begin my New Year with hope and peace and total trust in my sovereign God, the Father, my beloved Savior and Lord, Jesus Christ and my dear comforter and helper, the Holy Spirit.

THE END OF YET ANOTHER YEAR

It's not as if us old folks can afford these endings when they come as fast they seem to be coming now.  I would hold back the clock if I could or add many more hours to each day just in case I would finish all the tasks I want to accomplish.

Of course, I'm the drawback since a book isn't going to get published if I don's sit down and write.  A family life scrapbook or books are not going to be finished if I don't get out the pictures and start organizing the pages to set up - I do have sort of an excuse of no place to leave things out and not a whole lot of room on a smaller dining room table and two TV trays.  Still it sounds like excuses to me.

Opening my  dark chocolate - Dove - and reading the cute sayings they have inside each one it says "find comfort and joy in chocolate."  I will admit that there are days when this would actually work for me.  I am an emotional eater and chocolate is definitely my main "go to" yet God forgive me if I actually think or believe for a moment that joy and/or comfort is actually going to come from a sweet bite of yummy chocolate.

Joy especially - not being happy - but true joy within that reaches down to our toes and up through our minds - only one place it can or will ever come from - God, our Abba Father AND Jesus, my beloved.

Comfort is only from above and we know for a fact that the only one who can and does bring it to us is  His  Holy Spirit, my TRUE COMFORTER.

Let us all look forward during the next week as we head on in to the next year of our old lives to the Lord's blessings and grace sufficient and His presence at all times just keeps on coming as it always has.

HEAVEN Do I really want to go?

Don't know if it is about getting older or just being curious but books on Heaven seem to draw me more and more these days or years.  Just finished A BETTER COUNTRY  "Preparing for Heaven" by Dan Schaeffer.  Great thoughts and questions and answers about it all.  Maybe even too many and too much to actually digest all at one reading.

Towards the end he talks about who goes and who does not go and the whys and wherefores of that.  I believe, as a Christian, and student of God's Word, that there is only one way - a narrow way - and that is by faith in Jesus Christ and His grace through His death and resurrection that can and does get us there.

Again my old favorite, C. S. Lewis stated it wisely well.  "There are only two kinds of people in the end, those who say to God 'Thy will be done' and those to whom God says...'Thy will be done.'  All that are in hell chose it.  Without that self-choice (free will) there could be no hell.  No soul that seriously and constantly desires joy will ever miss it.  Those who seek find.  To those who knock it is opened."

In Revelation when it foretells of all the horrific things that will come upon the world wreaking havoc and destruction it says more than once "and still they did NOT repent."  Free will allows us the choice to refuse to believe or go to heaven.  I never forgot a TWILIGHT ZONE featuring a "ne're-do-well" villain who killed without mercy or reason, used women for his own amusement only, drank, gambled and seemed to enjoy every minute.  One night he got shot and when he woke up a dapper gentleman told him that he was there to take care of his wound, which healed immediately, and providing him with whatever he asked.  Needless to say - true to form - he had women, money, gambling until he tired of it all.  In his exhaustion he asked his gentleman provider why such a man who lived the life he lived could have ever deserved to be let in the doors of heaven.  The ending of that particular show still rings loud and clear.  "Why my dear man, whatever made you think you went there, not at all.  You are in the other place."  With only seconds left you could see in his eyes the realization of what an eternity of getting what we want would actually be.

So again I say I'm happy to be a firm believer in CHRIST ALONE as the reason why we get to go to heaven rather than to be on our own and making the selfish choices we would make without Him.

C S Lewis

Some people think he is hard to read and all his books seem text booky.  I guess, because my first to read was SCREWTAPE LETTERS, that I saw his humor,  great deduction of and possible ways of looking at all the various philosophies and worldly ways hitting us every day, it was easy for him to be one of my favorite of all Christian authors.

I am reading THE BUSINESS OF HEAVEN right now and as always I am fascinated by his take on thinking ways of man.  Lewis told of an old man who said he had no need of religion per se for he knew there was a God.  He had "felt" him alone in the desert at night.  Lewis' retort was "Now in a sense I quite agreed with that man."  He went on to say he believed he probably had an encounter with God.  But Lewis went on to expound on how we can "feel" something as we stand at the ocean's edge, and when we look at a map or book of pictures of it, we certainly will "feel" less.

The fun of Lewis is he goes on and leads us further into it.  A navigational chart or the "theology" of the ocean put in a book or an Atlas may not cause the same feeling as being at the ocean's edge with the water washing over our feet.  But if we ever want that ocean to take us somewhere we are going to need the map.

I almost cry every time I read Romans 1 when it tells of the creation of God and how He meant it to reveal HIMSELF to us.  And then the verse that almost causes me to weep, Romans 1:20 "...they will be without excuse..."  As simple as that - you may believe in God - the devils believe and tremble but if we do not desire to learn and grow more knowledgeable of Him in a church or the Bible or prayer or fellowship with other Christians more mature who can lead us forward into it, then we do or know nothing more.  It is just NOT enough. C.S Lewis is great at making us think!